The Awobabobob Tour
If Harvester were tasked with ‘the final solution’ a lot more lives would have been saved. When our breakfasts arrived as part of our pre-tour warm up, it was questionable as to whether the bacon could have been revived with a defibrillator. Little did we know that ‘First Dates’ was filming at the same time as we decided to visit. As it turned out it was quite the needed distraction from the fact that our breakfasts had been cooked by candlelight seeing Josh, 26, and Ieuan, 20, really hit it off over brunch. With the final edit still to hit our screens, rumours are they both agreed they’d like to see each other again. After paying ten pounds for an unlimited breakfast where it actually seemed the only actual limitation was the amount of heat your food would see, it was time to head to The Field of Dreams for drinks. With Rhiannon particularly overjoyed with ‘The Awobabobob Tour’ meaning an early start in work, the beers flowed as all absorbed the Dutch courage needed to head off to carrot cruncher country. You’re father is your brother, your sister is your mother, they all sleep together, the Bristol family. With Danny T on the roster, this potentially could be the biggest eyebrow raiser in the region since Avon and Somerset Police decided to dig up Fred West’s patio.
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On the bus, names were drawn for the rounds everyone was to drink in. If you fast forward to 4pm @ The Clyde, you would be forgiven for thinking the names had come out……….Ben Green, Oliver Reed, George Best and Neil Ruddock. However, it did not affect his pool hustling ability. Thriving under comfort of the baize, his impending victory only at risk by a single fin seen gliding through the water. Shark, shark, shark!!! Get out of the……. It was too late, Richard Ready had locked on to his prey. Credit where it is due, fresh from passing his wurzel citizenship exam, Wayne Butler had pulled out all of the stops in setting up his local for the arrival of the Welsh hoards. In the beer garden there was even an offering of freshly cooked food on the BBQ. Pepper with a side beef was the offering, and it was going down easier than Bruno Fernandes. It was time to head to the game, all in hope of seeing a Glamorgan win. Sadly for all, Dai Matthews personal ‘Sleepy Man Tour’ had not got off to the best of starts, leaving the tickets for said game in his hotel room. The ground had all the atmosphere of a Chris Rock concert in Nazi Germany when the boys began to raise the bar. Is this a library? Is this a library? Is this a library? Is this a librarrrryyyyyyyy???? Came from the stands.
As Tondu made themselves heard in the stadium and with all the spectators seemingly enjoying the banter, the next portion of the tour we will describe in the format of film. We shall call it, ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ and to protect the identities of the almost definitely not innocent, we shall change the names to protect them, Firstly, Guy Lees, decided it was golden shower time for the Gloucestershire fans and covered them in beer. This was closely followed by, Manny P, being targeted for his Tourette’s condition. Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio………came from the stands to the dejected, ejected Welshman. Meanwhile there was a cricket game going on. With Gloucestershire putting on a sizable target, Glamorgan really let down their travelling fans. If they had half the passion of those singing chants to coax them along all game, this would have been a far less one-sided affair. In case any of you ever wondered whether South Wales Police officers were well paid, the next segment of the day might enlighten you. Jamie ‘Tony Stark’ Williamson was seen collecting empties around the ground once informed of the princely return of £1 per cup on offer from the vendors. ‘Tighter than a submarine door that one!’ an insider commented.
At the end of the game, the Tondu team met up with their English counterparts at the pub after chanting to each other all game with great banter. This is where things get hazy for our reporter. Kind of like the film Pulp Fiction, but if someone’s scratched your DVD and it skips and misses bits too now. The next instalment was basically, load of Welsh guys go to an English pub, queue for an age, give away all their data to some guy sat in a little booth with a playing card strapped to his arm, then go in, not get a drink at all, and some of the party are asked to leave this establishment also. It’s pretty tricky when there is a party of twenty of you to all stay together, even more so when you get into five or six taxis, thinking you are all going to the same destination, only to find out each driver had been tasked with delivering you to a different part of Bristol. Made all the more difficult when Manny P was ten drinks deep and trying to get him into a taxi was like trying to put a cayote into a backpack. ** Breaking News ** Jessie bought a burger in the ground, which was later to be blamed for his wellbeing, dwarfing the vast amounts of alcohol he was swilling. Something of which we were to be reminded of regularly over the next 24 hours like we were dementia patients.
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With groups all going their separate ways there were all sorts of stories funnelling through. An attempted scrap outside Tesco Metro which was less Gangs of New York and more Girls of the Shopping Quarter. Our Sherpa/guide (who we later found out was called in the local regions, Bux) was last seen on an e-scooter tackling a hill causing a need for so much electricity, roaming blackouts occurred in the area, nothing like seen since World War Two. Ben Green was introducing the South West pub industry to his ‘technicolour yawn’ party trick. Jesse was spotted in the town centre wrestling a seagull for pizza while Tim Woolls was getting his steps in for the day as his iPhone sat nav lead him on a merry march around the city. So much so, he needed to buy his own body weight in food from a kebab shop to give him the energy required to finally find his hotel. Dai Matthews had been dropped off at the wrong Premier Inn much to the surprise of a couple from Norwich who were to come home to find him sleeping by their room door like a cat. Right room, wrong hotel. Danny T had taken his tour of carnage mobile, last seen swinging by taxis on an e-scooter shouting ‘Oi Oi!’ to anyone willing to listen.
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Everyone made it back to base camp some way or another and Deliveroo were dropping off a party platter for the first team skipper to end his evening on a high. The following morning there were some sore heads as everyone summoned the energy to head out for breakfast. The hardcore element kept the tour vibe alive pairing some of Wetherspoons finest breakfast offerings with pints of lager, Guinness and some litre bottle of ale for Mr Woolls. It was long after checking out of the rooms that things got into full swing again at the quayside with things quickly tumbling into verses from a Chumbawamba song………..he drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink, he drinks a lager drink, he drinks a cider drink and then some maniac starts offering free tequila shots and jugs of cocktails start arriving and suddenly it is game on again in the basking sunshine. The pick up time for the bus soon arrived and it was time for a trip back to South Wales in rush hour traffic, the joy. Everyone stuck to the script and kept swilling all journey but it wasn’t long before 36 hours of drinking started taking some casualties. Firstly, Danny T fell asleep at angles that not even the most gifted spinal surgeons can answer, managing to balance a can of San Miguel on his head for an hour……….on a MOVING BUS!!! Some tekkers right there.
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As the bus swung back into the car park of the Field of Dreams, things started coming to a close although everyone did stay for drinks in the club for a good while continuing the tour spirit. With two games coming up this weekend, the club hopefully will take its drinking form onto the cricket pitch. Big shoutout to the West Country Wanderer himself, our Sherpa, tour guide and general bundle of fun and positivity, Wayne Butler for all the arrangements made for our arrival and also to Richard Ready for organising everything. Great fun had by all and something that needs to become more of a regular thing.
