With a mixture of heavy showers and two umpires allocated for the game, this led to both sets of players spending a lot of time sat around doing nothing, awaiting the green light from the officials on a start time. At this stage, had Tondu issued all players cyanide pills in case of capture, Liam Woolls would have been slumped over his car steering wheel, frothing at the mouth. This was draining the players. Made even worse by one of the Monkswood players asking Ellis Major to stop bowling a tennis ball on the track as he was ruining the surface. Finally the game was going to start. The umpires decided from their calculations, due to the time lost, it would be 30 overs per side. Monkswood won the toss and decided to bowl. Matthew Malson was to bowl a tight six over spell going for a very economical 18 runs. That was pretty much the highlight of the Monkswood bowling with the rest of their attack having economy rates even Flakey would baulk at. Matthew Richards opened with Dai Rees, however it wouldn’t be long before Rees was trapped LBW by Mark Malson. As Rees trudged off Liam Woolls said Dai could be heard muttering under his breath ‘I’m gonna swill him later!’

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Richards was the next to fall, clean bowled by Adam Malson. As Richards was walking back to pavilion, his one eye could be seen twitching (this was to prove an unnoticed major red flag later in the day) At this stage it is safe to assume one of two things. The Malson family love one of two things, not buying a TV licence or f***ing. Maybe both. Either that or the registrar at the local civic offices can only spell the word Malson and their attempt to hide their illiteracy is starting to become noticeable in the surrounding area. Accompanied by Gavin Davies and some very questionable bowling, Woolls started to up the ante on the run rate and tally. Soon both batsmen had passed the fifty mark. Suffering the effects still of Tatch’s birthday drinks, Liam was finally bowled for 54 by Weller (Waller bowled by Weller, this stuff writes itself!) Praying that the changingman had worked his magic, Monkswood were hoping to restrict the hosts to a respectable target. Jamie Williamson, fresh out of the river behind the ground, joined Davies at the crease. The pair were to keep the run rate going, with Davies ending up 95 not out. Tondu posting a solid total of 218-3 from 30 overs.

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Professional Jack Leach impersonator, Leyton Williams, was skipper for the day and took full advantage of the responsibility by opening the bowling. With his Iron Man competition fast approaching, Jamie Williamson will not go far wrong if he shows the same commitment and determination as Williams in trying the same thing over and over again every week, knowing the outcome will be the same. The opening bowling partnership of Williams and Smeaton were finding the batsmen going after the total from the off, giving them a glimpse of hope that the attacking shots would lead to an early breakthrough. Smeaton thought he had bowled just that ball but the catch was dropped in the covers by Davies. Callum kept creating chances and thought he had got Jones caught behind by Rees, only for the umpire to disagree.

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This led to the mental unravelling of Matthew Richards. Remember that twitchy eye earlier when he got out? Yeh, think back to that red flag right now. Sometimes they say you never know what demons someone is dealing with behind the mask we wear for society. Deep inside the ever increasing frame of Richards, was an anger akin to lava building pressure in a volcano. The seemingly obvious edge behind was to prove the catalyst for the eruption. Some could be forgiven that somebody shouted over ‘Matthew, what’s your favourite thing to have peas and chips?’ The answer being the same as the ‘M- Unit’ blew his top in a one-word tirade of filth towards the batsman……….FAGGOT! The stand-in skipper decided a change was needed and brought himself off with Tom Jenkins (having been drafted in last minute due to the late start) tasked to try his leg spin.  Flakey could be described more as Tom’s stunt double than stand-in skipper now. Jenkins made the much needed breakthrough, dismissing Mike Jones LBW for 65.

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Ellis Major managed to get rid of the other opener, yep you guessed it, Malson for 58 with a great boundary catch from Leyton Williams. Clive Holmes trapped another Malson LBW starting to give Tondu a glimmer of hope after the visitors got off to a flying start. Watkins and Jones added valuable runs for Monkswood in their chase and frustrated the home side. Ellis Major and Callum Smeaton struck again with catches from Gavin Davies and Jamie Williamson. Smeaton took another wicket to get some rewards for his spell but the visitors were edging closer and closer to their target. With most bowlers going for around seven, eight or nine runs an over economy rate, Williams was running out of options. Tondu were taking wickets but pushing their opponents ever closer to their target with expensive figures. The Tom Jenkins stunt double even turned to batsman Gavin Davies to bowl, something he had not done since the World Trade Centers were standing. Tough gig for anyone overlooked for a bowl today, at one stage Flakey could be seen gazing off into the distance of the clubhouse wondering whether Jesse could fit into his own kit to bowl.

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Monkswood needed three to win off the last over with plenty of wickets in the hutch. Gavin Davies knew what was required, dot balls. Worth their weight in gold, the ability to put pressure on the opposing batsmen could be catalyst for Tondu to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. Having been the star with the bat, surely it was written in the stars that turning your arm over once every ten years would lead to a Roy of the Rovers style last over which sees his Tondu teammates carry him off on their shoulders. Six tight deliveries. That was all that was needed. Davies came trundling towards the crease, the sun glistening down as his arm came over to bowl, everyone on tenterhooks wondering if the impossible could really become possible…………………..SMASH!!! Ball dispatched to boundary, game over, thanks for coming Monkswood. This is why Roy of the Rovers magazine is on its arse, unrealistic pipe dreams of the impossible.  

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Tondu 218-3 (30 overs)

Gavin Davies 95*

Liam Woolls 54

Matthew Malson 0-18

 

Monkswood 219-6 (29.1 overs)

Mike Jones 65

Matthew Malson 58

Ellis Major 2-45

Callum Smeaton 2-54

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One to Watch:

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Gavin Davies. Excellent knock, falling just short of what would have been a well-deserved ton.  The creative scorer at Sully Centurions wouldn’t have left you short fella. Fielded well in the covers, taking a catch and stopping runs. Maybe give the bowling a swerve next time.

 

One for South Wales Police to Watch:

 

Matthew Richards. Absolute weapon. Finding it hard bottling the demons inside now he’s juicing up regularly. Hitting some big sixes in nets as a result of the gear, just needs to curb the anger towards the opposition. Now serving a two-game ban, Richards asked me to let people know he will be running a ‘Fight Club’ in the Tondu car park most evenings for the next fortnight at dusk. Newcomers welcome and anyone who’s got anything to say about his ban. He’ll be bench pressing the sidescreens before taking on allcomers.